


The Adventures of Count Karkat Vantas, Red-blooded Rainbow-drinker

by Mertiya



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Alpha Timeline, Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe, Angst, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Explicit Language, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Puberty, Sloppy Makeouts, Vampires, aka contains Karkat, rainbow-drinkers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-30
Updated: 2013-05-04
Packaged: 2017-12-10 00:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/779703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mertiya/pseuds/Mertiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat is a little quicker on his feet during the confrontation with Eridan.  As a result, he becomes a rainbow-drinker instead of Kanaya and things quickly spiral out of control from there.  The result is an explosion of AU shenanigans involving Karkat taking several levels in badass, Rose giving Eridan an impromptu psychoanalysis session, and a number of sloppy, sloppy makeouts.  Not to mention angst, hurt/comfort and the consequences of Murderstuck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which Karkat Vantas is displeased that no one is reading his memos, Eridan Ampora is displeased that no one understands him, and there is a whopping 7x SHOWDOWN COMBO.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [calicojane](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=calicojane).



> Written for calicojane's prompt for the AO3 fundraiser auction. She wanted to see what would happen if Karkat went rainbow-drinker instead of Kanaya and had a number of suggestions, most of which I took and then...honestly, this fic has kind of run away with me. But it's making me really happy all the same! I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
> Also the relationship between Gamzee/Terezi/Karkat is clubs, but I'm not sure how to notate that in the tags.

It is approximately 2 pm in the afternoon, or it would be, if this story did not take place on a meteor filled with trolls, most of whom have no particular idea of human time, or indeed any notion of the phrase "post meridian", since Latin is an innately human phenomenon. Besides which, of course, a meteor has no orbit around a star and therefore no cycle of dawn to dusk, so the concept of "afternoon" would be shaky at best even ignoring all the other problems previously mentioned. 

So to say that it is approximately 2 pm in the afternoon is completely meaningless and was in fact a useless attempt at setting the scene, which takes place in a dirty laboratory covered in horn piles, Faygo, and the occasional dismembered plushy. 

Let us introduce the players. 

ERIDAN AMPORA, PRINCE OF WHALES, is raising his ~~magic wand~~ science stick. He has just finished blowing a large cavity in the chest of his erstwhile moirail, FEFERI PEIXES, who has collapsed DEAD on a horn pile which is now covered in magenta blood. SOLLUX CAPTOR, TWO-FACED GENIUS and HERO OF DOOM, is slumped unconscious against the wall, having been KO'ed. 

The last remaining trolls in the room are KANAYA MARYAM, PROTECTOR OF THE TROLL RACE, and KARKAT VANTAS, LEADER AND SELF-PROCLAIMED FUCKWIT. 

It is safe to say that the VILLAIN of our piece, at least for this juncture, is ERIDAN AMPORA, seeing as he has just brutally murdered an innocent troll and is well on his way to becoming a multiple offender. The HERO of this chapter, however, is a role which is hardly reserved for one troll over the other. Some of us may recall the last time this scene played out, neither of them came out of it very heroically. KANAYA MARYAM failed to save the matriorb and was then summarily murdered, whereas KARKAT VANTAS stood and watched the whole thing with a dumb expression on his face. 

Let's tweak that, shall we? After all, no fun in watching everyone be a failure yet again. 

==> Be KARKAT VANTAS

You are KARKAT VANTAS, and you have no fucking clue what to do. ERIDAN AMPORA has just fucking ~~killed~~ eviscerated FEFERI, and he is advancing on KANAYA with OBVIOUS MURDEROUS INTENT, while she tries to figure out how to protect herself and the matriorb at the same time. It is pretty obvious that Eridan is about to HOPESPLODE your matriorb, and that is really not a thing that a good leader should let happen. 

Okay, maybe you're not a good leader. Maybe you've always been a fuck-up and a failure, but if there's just one chance that you can save the future of the troll race, you'd better fucking take it, you nookwhiffer. You look around for some way to stop Eridan, but that asshole is already raising his stupid wand and aiming. You've got nothing, so you do the only thing you can think of. 

You throw yourself in front of the matriorb. 

==> KARKAT: Die. 

You can't be KARKAT VANTAS anymore, because KARKAT VANTAS is dead. 

==> Be KANAYA MARYAM. 

You just reached for your STRIFE SPECIBUS, when you realized that ERIDAN might aim for the MATRIORB, because he is, honestly, something of a doucheface, which is not a term you find particularly elegant, but Eridan is one of the trolls you know whom you are afraid might warrant such a description. 

You hesitate, and in that moment, you see Eridan raising his wand. White energy shoots out of it toward the MATRIORB, and you scream, but before the entire hopes and dreams of your race can be shattered in a horrific HOPESPLOSION, KARKAT VANTAS is somehow in front of the matriorb. 

The energy tears right through his front in an explosion of crimson blood which showers you from top to bottom, and he falls over backwards onto the matriorb, which somehow remains miraculously UNHOPESPLODED. 

You grab for your chainsaw. ERIDAN takes one look at your face and prudently ABSCONDS, leaving you alone in a room full of corpses. 

You aren't quite sure what to do now. Maybe someone isn't dead. You pick up the matriorb and stare at it. Its grey hide appears undamaged, but you're not sure what you're supposed to do with it anymore. Finally, you captchalogue it. You suppose you shouldn't try to hatch a new mother grub when Eridan is still running around loose somewhere killing people. He would just try to kill the mother grub the way he tried to kill the matriorb. 

You figure you had better check on everybody. Feferi is pretty dead, but to your relief, it turns out that Sollux is just unconscious. You go back over to Karkat. He's really very extremely dead. It appears when Eridan tried to HOPESPLODE the matriorb, he really was intending an explosion, an explosion which appears to have taken out the greater proportion of Karkat's internal organs. There is really an extraordinary amount of red blood everywhere. You don't think it makes a very good fashion statement splattered all across your clothes. 

You kneel down beside Karkat. It's funny because your face is all wet, but you're pretty sure you didn't get blood on it. Just all down your front. Maybe it's sweat that is making your eyes sting and your hair stick to your face, but it's the wrong color to be sweat. There is a jade green haze in front of your eyes, but you brush it away. 

Time to try the KISS REVIVAL TECHNIQUE. You are pretty sure that it isn't going to work, because Karkat's dreamself is almost certainly just as very extremely dead as Karkat, but you can't just not try, so you lean forward and press your lips against his. 

They feel cold and taste of blood. You wait for a minute and then sit back on your heels. Karkat is obviously going to stay dead. 

You feel cold now, too, but you'd better go see about reviving Sollux. If you see Eridan again, you have a chainsaw waiting for him. 

You lug Sollux into the horn-pile in the hopes that he'll find it comfortable there. He certainly spent a long time lying around talking to Feferi in it. Then it occurs to you that he might not want to wake up next to Feferi's corpse, so you drag that out of the horn-pile and lay it down next to Karkat, giving it a quick peck on the lips as well, just to be sure. 

Nope. Nothing. 

It occurs to you that maybe you should alert the others about Eridan's newfound homicidal tendencies, so you head over to one of the computers and open up pesterchum. You quickly discover that Gamzee has completely fucking lost it, which makes everything somewhat more complicated. 

You dash off a quick memo to everyone to stay barricaded inside, and then you check to make sure that Sollux is resting comfortably in the horn-pile. It turns out he is, though you feel a little bad about how much of Feferi's blood is still soaking the pile. Sollux might not appreciate that when he wakes up. On the other hand, you don't have anything to clean it up with right now. Oh well. 

Your dress is a total lost cause, but there isn't time to change it right now. You take a minute to reapply your lipstick and rev up your chainsaw. You're going clown-hunting. 

==> Be TEREZI PYROPE

You are suddenly a rising young legislaceraSTAR, in the midst of investigating a STRING of SUSPICIOUS OCCURRENCES. By which you mean, you have discovered TAVROS NITRAM on the ground with a lance through his chest, and it is taking all your ingenuity to figure out who has done this heinous deed (it was totally Vriska). Following the trail has led you back to the control room, where you make a SHOCKING DISCOVERY. 

There are two corpses laid out on the floor, one of them the beautiful FEFERI PEIXES, who is missing her heart, and the other--

You'd know that candy-red blood anywhere. Somehow that makes you stop. You were almost having fun before. Of course you are still having fun, because you're doing your job! But you aren't sure you are entirely able to be as impartial as a legislacerator ought to be. Your throat hurts a little, and you find yourself kneeling down beside Karkat's corpse. 

TEREZI: H3Y K4RKL3S 1 GU3SS 1 M1SS3D YOU TH1S T1M3  
KARKAT:...   
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 PROB4BLY D3L1C1OUS R1GHT NOW  
KARKAT:...   
TEREZI: 4LL TH4T C4NDY R3D

That's funny. You could have sworn he moved a little, but that would be completely ridiculous, considering that a CLOSE INSPECTION reveals that he is missing two lungs, a heart, half a stomach, and probably a variety of other organs as well, but you were never much good at anatomy, not having had much opportunity to observe it at close range. 

Someone is trying to get your attention on pesterchum on one of the computers. You consider ignoring it, but it is a very irritating noise, so you go over to see what the problem is. 

Apparently the person chatting you thinks it is funny to use white-on-white text. You find it particularly annoying that this annoys you even though you are BLIND. 

You might want to keep an eye on the corpse.

Well, that's sobering. Or at least, it was clearly intended to be. You don't frighten easily, naturally, and of course have no need to keep an EYE on anything. You are busy congratulating yourself when you feel a hand on your shoulder and two pinpricks of pain in your neck. 

When you wake up, you are a bit dizzy, and someone has kindly bandaged your throat, although they've made something of a hash of it, honestly. This bandage feels as if it's going to fall off any minute. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CURRENT carcinogeneticist [CCG]  RIGHT NOW opened memo on board READ THIS YOU WRIGGLERS AND I MEAN ALL OF YOU.

CCG: OKAY LISTEN UP EVERYONE   
CCG: I AM ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE   
CCG: QUIT FUCKING MURDERING EACH OTHER  
CCG closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

==> Be ERIDAN AMPORA

You're so fuckin sick of this shit. You need to find a way off this fuckin asteroid so you can surrender to Jack before you end up dead the way you made Fef and Kar. That's something you're not going to think about, fuck no. Fef had it comin anyway. 

You're not goin to think about how her face twisted in surprise and disbelief at the last minute, or about how there was so much more blood than you could ever have expected. 

And it's not your fault you got Kar. He jumped right in front of your science stick. You were just tryin to make sure that everyone survived, even if you lost your stupid matriorb in the process. 

GAMZEE: HONK

Oh shit, you didn't even fuckin see him there. The clown's not lookin the way he usually does. You're used to seein him with a vacant, happy look on his face, but he doesn't look like that now. He looks terrifyin, eyes wide and open, the pupils little dots inside the sea of crimson, and he's bleedin from six wide, ragged lacerations, purple blood drippin down from his face onto the white clubs at his side, where it mixes with some heavy smears of olive blood. 

Nepeta. That sick son of a bitch. You conveniently ignore the fact that you've just come from brutally murderin two of your closest friends and ready your wand, because you're goin to take this bastard out if it's the last thing you do (but, fuck, you really hope it's not the last thing you do, because you're too pretty to die). 

That's when Vriska materializes out of the shadows, trailin blue fairy dust, speckled with rusty brown blood. Jegus, what is this, a murderin convention? It's obviously up to you to take these two out, like a hero should. (You're a hero, right?) 

==> ERIDAN: Attempt 3x SHOWDOWN COMBO

You ready your stance and your wand. Your science is about to save the day from the combined threats of GAMZEE MAKARA, INSANE HONKER/CLOWN EXTRAORDINAIRE, and VRISKA SERKET, PIRATE-THIEF AND MINOR GOD. Your wand is shakin slightly, which you are sure means that it is vibratin with power. It could not possibly have anything to do with the way Gamzee's blood-filled eyes appear to be starin directly through you. 

He takes a step toward you, and you raise your science stick, but before either of you has a chance to do anythin else, a ragin ball of grey-and-red troll has appeared out of nowhere and cannoned into the clown. 

==> KARKAT: plant foot in Gamzee's NETHER REGIONS. 

You are KARKAT VANTAS. You have just woken up with a raging headache, found yourself lying next to FEFERI'S corpse and ended up drinking the blood of an EX-MATESPRIT. Furthermore, in the ensuing confusion, while wandering through the corridors looking for someone to explain what the hell happened to you and why you now appear to light up the room like some kind of FUCKING GLOWSTICK, you found EQUIUS ZAHHAK and NEPETA LEIJON. 

Or rather, you found their corpses. 

You are completely done with this. You are not going to stand by and watch anyone else die. There has been enough dying happening lately. It is not going to continue. 

You KICK Gamzee in the SHAME-GLOBES and send him sailing off into who-knows-where. This relieves your feelings slightly. 

==> KARKAT: CLOCK Vriska in the JAW

It's pretty obvious that the SPIDER-BITCH has been responsible for at least one MURDER today. There's no way she'd be this INSUFFERABLE-LOOKING otherwise. You punch her in the face. She falls over backwards, and the look on her face as she does so almost makes you regret that you hit her. There's no way you want to end up in any kind of quadrant with CRAZY EIGHTS. 

==> KARKAT: Debunk Eridan's MAGIC WAND. 

You snap that fucker in half and throw the halves in Eridan's face, because IT'S A FUCKING MAGIC WAND. NOT A SCIENCE STICK. 

And besides that, it's a murder weapon, and no one on this GODDAMN meteor is going to be carrying around any weapons for the forseeable future. You are the GODDAMN leader and that is your FINAL WORD. 

==> ERIDAN: Abscond

Once you realize that Karkat is somehow still alive, despite the fact that no one should be walkin around who has fewer lungs than a fish, you also realize it would probably be prudent to get the GLUB out of here, because you have never seen Karkat look this murderous, or, for that matter, this luminescent. 

You're not really sure why he's glowin white, or why his fangs look sharper than usual, or why he has stripes of teal blood around his mouth, but you're pretty certain you don't want to find out. 

==> ERIDAN: fail to abscond. 

One minute you are turnin around to run away, the next minute there are hands on your shoulders, and KARKAT VANTAS is forcing you to your KNEES in front of him. He's still soppin and soaked with mutant red blood, and, as you stare up at him, you aren't sure whether you're more terrified or more angry that the lowest of the low-bloods has YOU on your KNEES. 

He opens his mouth. No, wait. You're sure. The answer is TERRIFIED. 

Karkat grabs your hair and yanks your head to the side. 

ERIDAN: wwhat the glub are you doin  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU NOOKWHIFFLING MOUTHMULCHING GRUBSUCKER  
KARKAT: I'M DONE WITH THIS SHIT

He sinks his teeth into your throat. It hurts like a glubbin bitch. You think you might be screamin. You're definitely sure you're tryin to push him off, but he's not budgin. He forces you onto the ground and pins your arms behind your head, and you writhe around like a fish on a hook, pourin purple blood in puddles until you're weak and dizzy and can't move. 

You figure at this point you're goin to die, which is just not fair; you tried so hard, so desperately to live, and just when you think you're goin to black out for the last time, he lets go of you with a growl and a sigh. 

You hear his feet taking off down the passage, and you stare across the room at Vriska, who raises her eyebrows at you, and the two of you just stare at each other, because both of you are pretty afraid of what will happen if you start fightin again. 

==> TEREZI: follow NOTES to ROOFTOP

Ever since you woke up and rebandaged your throat, you have been sleuthing your way around this meteor, attempting to track down the SLY MURDERESS. You had an unfortunate encounter with a remarkably alacritous puppet, were reunited with and brutally torn away from your most valued dragon-plush, and are now definitely ready for a SHOWDOWN of the LEGISLACERATIVE variety. 

Since all of us know what happens next, I suggest we fast-forward through a tedious repetition of a long-drawn-out encounter, and simply skip to the bit where you flip a coin and then stick a long, pointy cane through your erstwhile friend and FLARP BUDDY—

==> EXPECTED NARRATIVE: Be derailed. 

You are the NARRATIVE. You were simply plodding on in your inimitable, Hussian fashion, waiting to get to the more interesting 5X SHOWDOWN COMBO on the ROOFTOP, which promises to be a 6X SHOWDOWN COMBO, thanks to the UNBISECTION of ERIDAN AMPORA, when suddenly, you were thrown COMPLETELY OFF-TRACK by the addition of ONE (1) EXTREMELY ENRAGED RAINBOW-DRINKER, who has jumped into the middle of this very heartwrenching and pathos-ridden scene, taken TEREZI’S DRAGON CANE right out of Terezi’s hands, and BOPPED Vriska Serket over the head with it. 

This was unexpected. You are DERAILED, in a superbly metatextual example of anthropomorphization. 

KARKAT: WHAT THE BULGING NOOKMUFFINS IS GOING ON UP HERE?   
TEREZI: SP1D3RB1TCH W4S 4BOUT TO G3T 3V3RYON3 K1LL3D SO 1 W4S STOPP1NG H3R  
KARKAT: TEREZI I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE FAILED TO GET MY MEMO.   
KARKAT: I LEFT A VERY CLEAR SET OF INSTRUCTIONS FOR ALL OF YOU NOODLECOCKING GRUBMANGLERS  
KARKAT: IT SAID AND I QUOTE DON’T FUCKING MURDER ANYONE ELSE  
TEREZI: BUT HOW 3LS3 W4S 1 SUPPOS3D TO STOP H3R?   
KARKAT: OH I DON’T KNOW MAYBE THE CAREFUL APPLICATION OF A DRAGON CANE TO HER SKULL?   
TEREZI: OK4Y OK4Y B1G SHOT L34D3R 1M SORRY  
TEREZI: W41T 4 M1NUT3  
TEREZI: YOUR3 D34D  
TEREZI: 4ND WHY DO YOU T4ST3 OF OZON3 4ND L1GHT  
KARKAT: DON’T GET ME STARTED.   
KARKAT: IT’S A LONG STORY AND I’M NOT SURE IF I UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF. 

==> KANAYA: continue CLOWN-HUNT

Your CLOWN-HUNTING endeavors are proving remarkably frustrating and fruitless. You are sure you have been all up and down this meteor at least three times and have seen neither CLOWN nor WHALE, both of whom you would be more than happy to introduce to your friend MS. CHAINSAW. 

You have seen SIGNS of all of your friends, but somehow you seem to be missing them continually. You have found blood of all colors in a remarkable number of places, but no living trolls. You are beginning to be a little afraid that you are the only one who is left alive. Eventually, you find some signs of violet blood, which makes you feel deeply satisfied, but a dripping trail of violet goes off in a way which suggests the owner of said blood is not, in fact, as dead as he ought to be (which is DEAD AS A DOORNAIL, or more specifically DEAD AS KARKAT VANTAS AND FEFERI PEIXES). 

You are perfectly happy to remedy this situation, and therefore, you beginning to follow the trail of violet blood. It leads you on an ever-spiraling hunt upwards, with the noise of your chainsaw ringing in your ears through the eerily silent asteroid (yes, thank you, NARRATIVE, we get it; it’s dramatic), until you emerge at the top of the asteroid, where, thanks to the convenience of DRAMATIC TIMING, everyone else is converging at exactly the same instant. 

==> KANAYA: attempt HOLY FUCK IS THIS A 7X DRAMATIC SHOWDOWN COMBO? 

Let’s count the combatants. 

ONE (1) supremely insane  CLOWNJUGGALO. 

ONE (1)  unconscious  SPIDER8ITCH.  Okay, so she’s not going to be doing a lot of showing down right now, but she IS here, so we’re still counting her.

ONE (1)  recently unconscious, newly-blinded  PSYCHIC SCION. Don’t ask how he got up here after waking up in a horn-pile. It involved a lot of bumping into walls.

ONE (1)  chastened but competent  LEGISLACERATOR. 

ONE (1)  extremely angry  CHAINSAW-WIELDING BADASS (yes, that’s you).

ONE (1) slightly terrified  MURDERING BASTARD WHO IS GOING TO BE TAKING A CHAINSAW THROUGH THE MIDSECTION.

And also…

Your mouth drops open. 

ONE (1)  miraculously still moving  IRASCIBLE LEADER, who is glowing bright white and is displaying some extremely spectacular pointed teeth as he shouts at everyone else.

7x showdown it is, then. 

==> TEREZI: initiate BLACKROM with CLOWNJUGGALO

Everyone is busy trying to size each other up, but you are a COOLKID, and therefore, it is your right to be AHEAD OF THE CURVE. You have never blacker than you do right now, staring at the extremely FINE but remarkably loathsome figure of Gamzee, who is quite literally painted with the blood of his enemies. 

Time to get this show on the road! You snatch your dragon cane back from Karkat and ready to ♠! 

==> KARKAT: COCKBLOCK--er--AUSPICISTICIZE. 

There might have been a time when you would have tried to initialize or re-initialize a pale-rom with Gamzee, when you might have papped aside Terezi's dreams of caliginousness. This is not that time. You are bruised and beaten and missing roughly half your internal organs and above all SUPREMELY ENRAGED. You are not sure whether you have any non-black feelings left in you today. 

But clearly avoiding ANY MORE GRUESOME INJURIES to any other trolls is your LOT IN LIFE. This is, after all, what you signed up for when you became leader. 

You take the dragon cane out of Terezi's hand as she barrels past you. Under other circumstances, you would sit Gamzee and Terezi down in a HORN-PILE, and initiate a FEELINGS JAM, but this is no time for such sophisticated AUSPICISTICIZING. 

You wait until Gamzee is occupied with Terezi, who seems to be not particularly incommoded by the loss of her favored weapon, and then you prudently AUSPICISTICIZE both of them on the head with the cane. After all, it worked with Vriska. 

==> KANAYA: initiate bloody MURDER-VENGEANCE. 

You must admit you were slightly distracted by the sight of Karkat miraculously restored and looking exactly like one of the heroes from your childhood storybooks, but the time for waiting is past. The WAILING PRINCE has his cloak slung dramatically over one shoulder, but in his hands he's got nothing but a broken wand, and the JUSTICE will be poetic and sweet enough even for a red-eyed legislacerator, let alone a jade-blood who has been waiting for this moment all day. 

Eridan sees you coming for him, and his eyes go wide with fear, because there's nothing a broken stick standing between him and bloody dismemberment. Good. 

You raise the chainsaw over your head, and Eridan puts up his arms, which is fine with you, because it means more nicely filleted fish-sticks when you're done here. 

Consequently, you are a little surprised when you find the chainsaw has been taken right out of your hands. 

KARKAT: DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER READ MY BULGEFUCKING MEMOS?   
ERIDAN: thanks kar i didnt knoww you fuckin cared  
KARKAT: OH MY GOG ERIDAN SHUT YOUR SOPOR-SPEWING CHEWHOLE  
KARKAT: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW  
KANAYA: Karkat I Would Very Much Appreciate It If You Would Return My Strife Specibus  
KARKAT: OKAY LISTEN UP ALL OF YOU   
KARKAT: I AM SO TOTALLY DONE WITH THIS SHIT  
KARKAT: IF YOU STUCK A FORK IN ME I WOULD BE TOASTY AND SMOKING AND PROBABLY ALSO BURNING LIKE SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE REMOVED FROM THE OVEN BECAUSE I AM SO DONE  
KARKAT: LIKE MAYBE A POPTART IF IT WAS BURNED TO A CRISP  
KARKAT: NO WAIT FORGET THE NOOKMUNCHING POPTART  
KARKAT: WOW THAT SOUNDED REALLY FUCKING STUPID  
KARKAT: THE POINT IS I SENT OUT A MEMO THAT NONE OF YOU NOODLECOOKING MORONS APPEAR TO HAVE READ  
KARKAT: LET ME STATE THIS IN WORDS YOUR TINY BRAINS CAN COMPREHEND  
KARKAT: THERE IS NOT GOING TO BE ANY MORE KILLING, MURDER, ASSASSINATION, CULLING, EXECUTION, EXTERMINATION, MASSACRE, SLAUGHTER, OR IN OTHER WORDS IF THESE AREN'T ENOUGH, BUMPING THE FUCK OFF OF YOUR FELLOW TROLLS  
KARKAT: I DON'T CARE WHETHER YOU FUCKNOODLES THINK YOU NEED REVENGE OR YOU'RE JUST AS CRAZY AS A SACK FULL OF FUCKING CRAZY THINGS  
KANAYA: But How Will We Ensure That Eridan And Gamzee Do Not Kill All Of Us Or Betray Our Position To Jack  
KARKAT: IF WE FEED GAMZEE SOPOR PIES HE WILL BE FINE AND STOP TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE  
KARKAT: AS FOR ERIDAN

==> KARKAT: Claim PRINCE OF MOANS as your personal fucking responsibility (no, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter) 

You really didn't want to do this, but it doesn't look as if you're going to have a choice. You are, after all, the LEADER, and therefore certain ancient troll customs can technically be said to apply to you. Although your blood color sets you outside the hemospectrum, there are a few specific historical precedents allowing lower-hemospectrum trolls to exercise this right over higher ones, assuming the lowblood has reached his position through his own merit and the highblood has, not to put too fine a point on it, FUCKED UP VERY BADLY and presents a definite danger to the success of the mission. And the alternative is CULLING THE FUCK OUT OF THEM. 

Which, yeah, you can confidently say is a position Eridan is in right now. 

You draw your sickle and lay it against Eridan's throat, forcing him down to his knees again. He makes a soft noise that might be a protest, and you grab his hair with your other hand, pulling his head back, because you are so sick of his shit right now. It was bad enough when he was complaining to anyone who would listen about how bad his fuckin land was and how he kept killing the gogdamn angels no matter how often you told him to fucking cut it out. The noise he's making changes tone and sounds like a whimper now, but you're not paying any attention. 

KARKAT: OKAY THIS IS HOW WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS  
KARKAT: BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME AS THE FUCKING LEADER OF THIS GROUP OF NUMBFUCK SHITHORNS BLAH BLAH BLAH I CLAIM ERIDAN AMPORA AS MY PERSONAL GOGDAMN CULLSLAVE  
KARKAT: IF THERE'S ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS EVEN THOUGH YOU ALL FUCKING OUGHT TO, IT MEANS I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING HE DOES AND I'LL KILL HIM IF HE PUTS A FUCKING TOE OUT OF LINE  
KARKAT: ALSO NO ONE ELSE CAN TOUCH HIM

And, okay, you weren't planning on doing this, but fuck it, Eridan smells delicious, and displays of power over your cullslaves are generally encouraged, so you yank his head to the side and bury your fangs in the side of his throat you haven't already mauled. 

==> KANAYA: go PALE for KARKAT. 

You are so pale for Karkat right now there are diamonds in your eyes. You could not be paler for him if you painted yourself white and followed that up by swimming in a pool of bleach. He's putting out a soft, effulgent glow which you never thought to see with your own eyes, though you read descriptions of it often enough as a young grubling, dreamt of it when you were softly slumbering in the gooey arms of your recuperacoon. 

He's also absolutely covered in violet blood at this point, his new fangs deeply embedded in Eridan's neck, and Eridan's eyes are glazed over and half-unfocused, like the unwitting thralls from your favorite storybooks. 

Karkat is exactly like the heroes of your youth (except a lot more shouty). How could you possibly NOT be in pale-love with him? 

KANAYA: I Do Not Like To Interrupt But I Think I Should Inform You That I Believe My Feelings Toward You Have Become Very Strong

You step forward and put a hand on Karkat's shoulder, and he looks up at you with pupils dilated with intoxicating bloodlust. 

KANAYA: I Am Having Strong Feelings of Conciliatory Affection  
KANAYA: That Is I Wonder  
KANAYA: If You Might Consider A Moirallegiance

==> KARKAT: Remove fangs from CULLSLAVE and RESPOND to EXCEEDING WELCOME OFFER

Kanaya has always been a good friend of yours. You often thought of her as only sane troll around. Granted, the chainsaw thing is a little unstable, but then you've all been having a fucking terrible day. You've called her your OTHER BEST FRIEND, but you never thought you'd be able to formalize that statement with an actual MOIRALLEGIANCE. 

Honestly, you figured you were too much of a fuck-up to anyone to ever want to be involved in a quadrant with. There was that one thing with TEREZI, but the way that ended convinced you that you'd been right in the first place. 

KARKAT: YEAH  
KARKAT: I WOULD   
KARKAT: I'D REALLY FUCKING LIKE THAT

==> KANAYA: formalize MOIRALLEGIANCE with appropriate paleromantic gesture

Karkat stands up from drinking Eridan's blood, and Eridan collapses in a pathetic heap on the floor, but you're going to ignore that for the time being, because you have just entered into a moirallegiance, and your new moirail looks like he is in desperate need of some PALELOVE. 

His sickles are hanging loosely by his side, as if he has forgotten they are there, and his eyes look enormous in his glowing white face. He is still missing quite a quantity of internal organs, and several of the ones that aren't missing are visible. He's covered in red, teal, and violet blood, and he looks dreadfully tired. 

You step forward and hug him, and he hugs you back, and he starts shivering, and then sniffling. You rock him back and forth because that's what moirails do when their moirail has had a shitty day, and you tell him that it's going to be okay, because the matriorb is safe, and a lot of people didn't die today, and maybe now is the time to think about everyone who is alive and who needs you. 

And Karkat's alive. Well, mostly. 

And he needs you. 


	2. In which Karkat and Kanaya have a paledate, Eridan and Rose have a heartfelt conversation about heroes, and Dave and Terezi come to an understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. Dear god. When I signed up for this, I said I'd write 6000 words. Well, I lied. I wrote closer to 20,000, and this fic ate me alive. At this point, I'm completely exhausted, but I finished it. It's currently unbeta-ed, so please forgive any silly errors. I love this prompt, I love Karkles and Eridan, and I love everyone. And I really hope you like this fic.

==> Be the MATRIORB

It is dark and moist and warm. Around you the hum and vibration of life moves past. Time passes. You grow, and you feel a little. In your head there are dream-slices of persons, who are your lusii and your ancestors. You slide through their dreams and thoughts and siphon off a little, just a taste, to build yourself new from. 

One ancestor, the mother-ancestor, is physically close to you, often. She touches you softly, but her touch has a dark core of steel and blood, and when she comes from being near the piscine ancestor, she tastes of anger and murder, grief and rage, but she has also been near the grey-red-blood ancestor, and he makes her taste of hope and happiness. 

The mother-ancestor touches you with her hands, not just her mind, strokes soft slime along your sticky stides, and hums and sings to you. Her mind is easy and comfortable for you to slide into. You drift away to dreams, rocked on a wordless lullaby. 

==> Be ERIDAN AMPORA, the LUCKLESS LOSER. 

Yeah, that's right, that's you. You're a fuckin failure, a useless piece of totally fuckin wasted space. A cullslave. You heard Karkat say that and you thought he was jokin at first, because how could he possibly mean it? How could a mutant-blood with his chest still wide open and showing off the lower-than-lowest color like some kind of gory sign, take you as a _cullslave_? 

But he forced you to your knees and you couldn't stop him, drained your blood till you were weak and woozy, and then flung you into a little box of a room carved out in the middle of the asteroid, where he's left you to go slowly insane all by your fuckin self. 

There's abso-fuckin-lutely nothin to do in here. They didn't leave you a computer or even a fuckin magazine, nothin but dull grey walls and a recuperacoon. You'd spend all your time in the thing if sopor wasn't rationed, with most of it going to make pies for GAMZEE MAKARA, to add insult to injury. 

Karkat comes in once or twice a day to feed you, give you more sopor and sometimes to eat himself--drink, you guess. He won't speak to you, no matter what you say, fuckin lowblood has to lord it over you in everything now. He just forces your head to the side and latches on, and it always hurts like a bitch, and you CRY like a LITTLE GIRL, and the fuckblood scrunches up his face and breathes hard, and it hurts, but he still won't talk. And then he leaves. 

All you can do is think. 

You think you're going to go insane if you do any more thinking, because you've run out of things to think about that aren't yourself. 

==> Be TEREZI PYROPE, dissatisfied SEEKER OF JUSTICE

Karkat is too soft, that's all you have to say. Obviously, he doesn't like it when you all kill each other, and you admit he may have a teeny tiny point when it comes to Vriska, but you refuse to believe that there is any good reason whatsoever to keep alive the WOEFUL MONSTROSITY. 

Eridan is a L1TTL3 B1TCH. He killed Feferi, he killed Karkat, and he half-killed Sollux. Well, maybe a quarter-killed would be more accurate, in light of recent events, but who's counting? 

You just wish you could get your LEGISLACERATOR'S CANE into him. Besides, if he ever escapes, he'll go straight to Jack Noir, and then you'll all end up dead, you and Karkat in a welter of teal and red blood you never want to taste again, but that you keep tasting in all your nightmares, nonetheless. 

You're going to find a loophole. Thought you had one there for a while there, but then Karkat must have cottoned on to your line of thought, because he has been drinking Eridan's blood entirely regularly, so you can't accuse the HARDENED CRIMINAL of being a gogdamn useless cullslave and execute him in the approved fashion. 

It simply wouldn't be proper. 

==> Be KANAYA MARYAM, MOTHER of the TROLL RACE

You suppose that technically, from some perspective, you might be seen as the mother of a new troll race, but you feel that it would be remarkably presumptuous of you to label yourself as such. You take care of the MATRIORB, to the best of your ability, and most of the time now, you leave the future to take care of itself. 

Right now you are making careful preparations for a PALEDATE with one of your favorite people; in fact, your MOIRAIL, the RAINBOW-DRINKER, COUNT KARKAT VANTAS. (He hates it when you call him that, but DRACULA THE RAINBOW-DRINKER was your absolutely favorite story for the space of two whole sweeps). 

You are EXCEEDINGLY FASHIONABLE in your long, green skirt and accompanying pea-green tank-top. You briefly consider going with lipstick a shade darker than normal, but change your mind and put on your usual jade green. No sense in changing up a winning combination. 

COUNT VANTAS is waiting for you outside his CHAMBER. He's looking pale and hollow and tired again. 

KANAYA: Karkat Have You Been Eating  
KARKAT: WELL FUCK ME  
KARKAT: I WOULD LOVE TO BE EATING  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, IF I COULD EAT  
KANAYA: You Know Very Well What My Meaning Was  
KARKAT: I DRINK PLENTY  
KANAYA: I Do Not Think You Do  
KANAYA: I Am Feeling Rather Oversanguinary This Evening If You Would Care To Partake  
KARKAT: YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP BOTHERING ME UNTIL I AGREE, AREN'T YOU?   
KANAYA: It Is A Definite Possibility  
KANAYA: As Your Moirail It Is My Responsibility  
KARKAT: FINE  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU

Success! This was significantly less onerous than you were expecting! Usually it takes you half an hour of delicately edging around the issue to get Karkat to agree. Unfortunately, this means he must be really very hungry. You head across the room and make Karkat sit down on his couch. He sinks down on it too easily. He definitely isn't eating enough. You wonder if it might be necessary to find him a matesprit. Traditionally, it is the matesprit or kismesis of a rainbow-drinker who supplies him with his meals, rather than the moirail, as it can supposedly be quite erotic. It doesn't seem that way to you, but then you and Karkat are very definitely pale for each other. 

KANAYA: What Movie Are We Watching Tonight?   
KARKAT: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO FUCKING DO THIS, BUT HERE. 

He hands you a DVD whose cover is black and shows two glowing white hands cupping a beating heart, dripping with cyrulean blood. You give a little gasp and clap your hands together. This is definitely going to be a special pale-date! Karkat has just handed you the DVD of _The Story of An Ordinary Young Midblood, Who, After Discovering That Her Flush-crush is a Rainbow-Drinker, Spends Much of The Film Attempting To Convince Him Of Her Affections, While He Avoids Her, Believing That He Is Too Unable to Control His Strength To Ever Be In A Flushed Relationship. In the Meantime, He Is Unable To Stop Himself From Watching as She Rests in her Recuperacoon, And Spends Long Hours Soulfully Contemplating Her Resting Form. Eventually It Is Discovered That They Can Only Spend Time Together At Twilight, as During That Time Of Day, His Strength is Diminished._

You have wanted to watch this movie forever, but there never seemed to be a good opportunity! And what better opportunity than with your MOIRAIL, who enjoys a good ROMCOM as much as you like RAINBOW-DRINKER FLICKS? 

You put on the DVD. It's too bad that troll-Kristen Stewart is in the main role. She has decent fashion sense, but her acting isn't wonderful. All the same, you enjoy it a great deal. You are not sure whether Karkat likes it or not, but he spends a lot of time throwing popcorn at the screen and yelling at the actors, which for Karkat is generally synonymous with enjoyment. 

And you get a lot of quality cuddle-time. Quality cuddle-time is excellent. Eventually, though, you feel the need to bring up one of Karkat's most and least favorite subjects. 

KANAYA: I Am Afraid I Must Ask For Your Advice  
KANAYA: In A Romantic Matter  
KANAYA: It Has Taken Me Quite Some Time To Come To This Conclusion But  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE A FLUSH-CRUSH ON THE FEMALE HUMAN

You suppose you should have expected Karkat to know that, because he knows everything, but it is still startling to hear it stated out loud. You aren't quite sure what first attracted you to Rose Lalonde; it may have been her esoteric vocabulary, or perhaps her status as a SNARKY BITCH. Or possibly the extremely FASHIONABLE purple scarf. But no matter what the original catalyst was, you find yourself in the most uncomfortable position of a possibly ONESIDED FLUSHED ATTACHMENT. 

KARKAT: KANAYA  
KARKAT: THERE COMES A TIME IN EVERY YOUNG TROLL'S LIFE WHEN SHE MUST ASK HERSELF A QUESTION  
KARKAT: AND THAT IS HOW LONG CAN I KEEP DANCING AROUND THE FUCKING ISSUE BEFORE I TROLL UP AND ASK THE HUMAN ON A FUCKING DATE?   
KANAYA: I Am Not Very Skilled In Such Matters  
KARKAT: IT DOESN'T REQUIRE A LOT OF SKILL  
KARKAT: YOU JUST SAY LET'S GO FOR A MOONLIT STROLL ON A FUCKING ROMANTIC BEACH  
KARKAT: BY WHICH I MEAN A STARLIT STROLL AROUND THIS FUCKING ASTEROID BECAUSE WE DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY BULGELICKING BEACHES AROUND ANYWHERE  
KANAYA: But What If My Feelings Are Not Reciprocated  
KANAYA: Won't It Become Awkward  
KARKAT: I'M ABOUT TO SOUND LIKE A FUCKING TROLL MORGAN FREEMAN HERE  
KARKAT: SO FEEL FREE TO LAUGH BECAUSE I'M KIND OF A NOOKFRYING MORON  
KARKAT: BUT THAT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE A RISK  
KARKAT: SOMETIMES IT'S WORTH IT  
KANAYA: I Suppose That You Have A Point  
KANAYA: Even If Your Mode Of Expression Is Slightly Cliched  
KANAYA: I Will Take Your Advice To Heart If Possible  
KANAYA: Thank You Karkat  
KARKAT: IT'S MY FUCKING FATE TO BE THE REPOSITORY OF ROMANTIC ADVICE FOR THE LAMEHEARTED  
KARKAT: I'M RESIGNED TO IT BY NOW

If you were Nepeta, you might have giggled at that, but you are not, so you merely smile and rest your head on Karkat's shoulder. He grumbles but does not move away from you. It's nice to have a moirail. 

==> Be ROSE LALONDE, the SPINNER OF ARIADNE'S THREAD

Let us leave the two happy moirails to their paledate and turn our attentions to one of our non-trollian subjects. 

You are ROSE LALONDE, somewhat-recently ascended to god tier and now stuck on this godforsaken asteroid in the middle of the Furthest Ring (if the Furthest Ring can really be said to have a middle, what with its complete lack of geography). You are EXCRUCIATINGLY BORED. 

For the past few months, you and Kanaya have been flirting with each other, which is an enjoyable experience, but you are at an impasse. You BELIEVE she has been flirting with you, but you are not sure that you have a good handle on the troll psyche as of yet, and it is possible that you are misinterpreting the cues. Perhaps you should simply ask, but you are loath to open yourself up for disappointment (and, as DAVE STRIDER has occasionally pointed out, you are also somewhat averse to straightforwardness). 

Tonight, however, Kanaya is ensconced in a paledate with Karkat Vantas, the INSUFFERABLY RUDE leader of the trolls, whom you understand communicated mostly with John during the game. He is some sort of TROLL-VAMPIRE, Kanaya has explained to you. No one is quite sure how he BECAME a vampire, but Kanaya thinks it might have something to do with his title as the KNIGHT OF BLOOD. 

Most of the time, when Kanaya is unavailable, you spend time with Dave, or occasionally Gamzee. Dave is busy with scheming with Terezi, however, and you are in no mood for Gamzee’s somewhat rambling and often disturbing conversation. You do not feel like reading or watching a movie or even writing or surfing the internet. You are, in fact, RESTLESS, so you are wandering through the asteroid, in the hopes you will stumble across something to alleviate your boredom. 

You are somewhere in the BOWELS of the asteroid and beginning to wonder if you are entirely LOST, when you hear what sounds like someone sobbing, which piques your interest as a burgeoning psychologist. And you must admit, you also feel a tiny bit bad for whoever is crying like that. 

ROSE: Hello? Is there someone there? 

The crying stops abruptly. For a minute, it sounds as if the crier is not going to respond, but then a voice comes through the stone walls. 

ERIDAN: wwhos there  
ERIDAN: i wwasnt cryin by the wway

Interesting. The voice appears to belong to one of the trolls you have not met, which limits the field quite a lot. In fact, it limits it enough that you know with over ninety percent probability that this must be ERIDAN AMPORA, one of three trolls who must have an eye kept on him at all times and the only one to continue to be locked away in solitary confinement. 

Following his voice, you discover a locked door, which you are unfortunately certain only Karkat has the key to. Not that it would be wise to enter a cell with a possibly deranged troll, but it would certainly be interesting, and you are certain that you could handle yourself if need be. After all, he has no weapons and you are still in possession of your NEEDLEKIND. 

ROSE: I take it that you are Eridan Ampora?   
ERIDAN: wwhats it to you anywway  
ERIDAN: wwho the glub are you  
ROSE: I am Rose. I believe we have spoken once before. You insinuated that I was a charlatan, and I responded rather childishly by causing your computer to combust.   
ERIDAN: wwait youre the scarfwwitch  
ERIDAN: wwhen the fuck did wwe get humans around here  
ROSE: I imagine it occurred while you were imprisoned down here and unable to interact with anyone.   
ERIDAN: fuck you wwitchbitch i liked my computer  
ROSE: Glad to make your acquaintance again, I suppose.   
ROSE: I imagine we will have some opportunities to interact again in the future. 

You do not particularly like this troll and certainly would not have sought him out willingly. You consider whether a conversation with him might alleviate your growing tedium, but come to the conclusion that you prefer monotony to insults at this particular junction of your life, for you have been feeling rather low and there is no need to subject yourself to interacting with someone as tiresome as Eridan is once again proving he can be. 

ROSE: I hope you have a pleasant evening. 

==> ERIDAN: Stop her any way you can. 

Oh, fuck, no. The only person you have talked to in weeks is about to leav you again and you've barely spoken to her. You will go insane if you have to spend another evening talkin to yourself. You're beginnin to realize you aren't quite such a great conversationalist as you used to think, although of course you are sure that is the only one of your charms you overestimated. That's easy to do. After all, who gets an opportunity to assess their conversin abilities? Obviously it was just a minor oversight. 

You just have to convince the scarf witch she doesn't want to leave. Shouldn't be hard if you can avoid gettin off on the wrong fin again. 

ERIDAN: wwait dont leave

You hear her pause. Now is your chance to come up with a really compellin reason for her to stay. You can do this. You're the Prince of Hope, the hero who's languishin in durance fuckin vile. You got this. 

ERIDAN: youre pretty

Yes! A compliment! Perfect! She'll never be able to resist that! 

ROSE: Did you just compliment the appearance of a being you can only have seen once, months ago, for the fleetest of moments? 

Abort! Retry! 

ERIDAN: your vvoice is pretty  
ROSE: I will admit your statement this time is at least plausible. However, I find myself forced to inform you that so far, I have not found our encounters, brief albeit though they may have been, to be particularly pleasant. 

She's waverin. Time to PRESS your ADVANTAGE. 

ERIDAN: if youre dowwn here i bet youre bored  
ERIDAN: i bet youd like to talk to a real life hero wwouldnt you  
ROSE: Are you referring to yourself? 

She's HOOKED! Hooked like a wriggling wriggler on a fish-hook! 

ERIDAN: thats right  
ROSE: You consider yourself a hero? Fascinating. 

Okay, that's not the tone of voice you expected her to use. There's less breathless respect and more--well, you're not sure what. You're havin a hard time readin this witch. Surely it's not disbelief? 

ERIDAN: yeah im a hero  
ERIDAN: attempted savvior a the troll race right here  
ERIDAN: languishin in prison at the hands a my brutal captors  
ROSE: So, tell me the sequence of events that lead up to your imprisonment. You're quite right, I'd be interested to hear them.   
ERIDAN: sure just pull up a chair and ill tell you evverythin you wwant to hear  
ROSE: I am removing one from my Sylladex as we speak. Do continue. 

==> ERIDAN: Regale SCARFLY LADY with your WOEFUL TALE

You take a deep breath. You've got to make this good, because if you don't make it interestin enough, she'll leave, and you don't want to go insane. You'd make a shitty lunatic, even if everybody seems to love Gamzee the fuckin murderer and hate you. 

ERIDAN: it all started wwhen i wwas born under the deep, deep ocean  
ERIDAN: im a highblood you knoww  
ROSE: Yes, you've made it patently clear that you believe yourself to be some sort of nobility. Would you mind telling me what that entails? 

You aren't sure if you like the faint emphasis on _believe yourself to be_ , but maybe she's just not convinced yet. You can convince her. It can't be that hard to convince someone of the truth. 

ERIDAN: yeah wwell on alternia wwe havve a hemospectrum

You begin a lesson on the ins and outs of the hemospectrum. WITCH GIRL makes a few hummin, noncommittal sorts of noises as you weave what you hope is a rivetin tale of betrayal and the trials and difficulties of bein a part of the nobility. 

ROSE: So let me get this straight. You were planning for the destruction of all the land-dwellers?   
ERIDAN: theyre a bunch a fuckin lowwbloods  
ERIDAN: i mean not my friends obvviously  
ERIDAN: all the other trolls died anywway  
ROSE: So you merely wished to exterminate an entire race, which then mostly came to pass. Hmmm. 

You don't like the way she's sayin _hmmm_. Her _hmmm_ is rife with all sorts of meanin, and you get the feelin it might mean somethin like _are you certain that makes you a hero_? 

ERIDAN: look its part a bein a seadwweller  
ERIDAN: you havve to kill lowwbloods   
ERIDAN: i mean i had to help fef keep her lusus fed didnt i  
ERIDAN: otherwwise GL'BGOLYB wwoulda spoken up and killed evverythin in the univverse  
ERIDAN: no point cryin about it  
ERIDAN: savvin the univverse is a princes duty  
ROSE: I see. So you were taught slaughter from a young age?   
ERIDAN: yeah  
ERIDAN: wwait  
ROSE: Do continue. 

You are startin to feel kind of confused, but you continue with your story, makin sure you don't skip anythin. It's so nice to have someone listenin to your side for once. You swear, this hasn't happened since Fef dropped your moirallegiance. 

ERIDAN: thanks for listenin to me  
ROSE: You're quite welcome. As I said, this is fascinating.   
ERIDAN: so then i realized that wwe had to surrender to jack because otherwwise wwed all die so i tried to tell the others but none a them wwould listen to me  
ERIDAN: sol attacked me an i had to knock him out  
ERIDAN: it wwas a fuckin trial

You continue detailin how, for some reason, no one would listen to your extremely sensible plan, and how you had to kill FEF, your MOIRAIL (ex-moirail) in self-defense, and then Kar jumped right in front of your fuckin wand and got himself killed. For no reason, just because you had to HOPESPLODE the MATRIORB so that everyone would listen to you and they'd all be safe. You finish up with a description of the horrendous injuries inflicted on you by Kar, even though you only hurt him by accident, and now you've been locked up here by yourself, even though Gamzee is wanderin around completely free, just drugged up on SOPOR PIES. 

ERIDAN: see noww youve heard evverythin  
ERIDAN: dont you think im a hero  
ROSE: I'm afraid not.   
ERIDAN: wwhat  
ERIDAN: wwhy  
ROSE: I don't believe I'll tell you. I don't think you would listen to me, in any case. This is the sort of thing I'm afraid you have to grapple with yourself.   
ROSE: I think you're a very interesting person, if that helps.   
ROSE: But I'm afraid it's getting quite late, and I'd like to get to bed.   
ROSE: Thank you for the story. I hope I'll have time to come and chat with you again.   
ERIDAN: wwait  
ERIDAN: dont leavve  
ERIDAN: please

==> ROSE: thoughtfully abscond

You certainly would never have expected to enjoy the last few hours as much as you did, but it is certainly time to get to bed, and you'd better leave Eridan to his thoughts. He seems to have been raised in an extraordinarily violent part of an already-violent culture, and he has a number of entitlement issues, as well as probably narcissistic personality disorder and a host of other disorders which you are not entirely sure you are qualified to diagnose in another species. 

It's strange that you felt so sorry for him in a way. He is quite pitiful, but you are surprised at yourself, all the same. Certainly you might have expected the fascination, but perhaps not the pity. 

Oh well. At least you escaped from the talons of AGONIZING MONOTONY. 

==> Be DAVE STRIDER. 

You are DAVE STRIDER, the COOLEST of the COOLKIDS, and you are currently occupied with your newly-minted PALEBRO, TEREZI PYROPE. After an especially sick jamming session today, Terezi got all kind of awkward and shit, and then mumbled at her shoes something you couldn't quite hear. 

DAVE: your going to have to speak up there   
DAVE: my senses have not been honed by years of fucking blind taste-testing  
TEREZI: 1 S41D 1 WOULD L1K3 TO PROPOS3 4 MO1R4LL3G14C3

You never thought you'd be interested in one of those weird troll romance things, but the way TZ talks, it sounds like you're agreeing to be best bros forever, or that's the nearest human equivalent you can understand anyway, so you say sure, what the hell, and she throws her gogdamn skinny-ass arms around you and squeezes you within an inch of your life. 

It's pretty fucking sweet. 

After you finished your jamming session, TZ and you put your heads together to solve another IMPORTANT ISSUE which has been bothering both of you--that is the ISSUE of the fact your bonedheaded sister cannot apparently get her romantic life in order with your help. TZ is of a similar opinion about her friend Kanaya. 

Kanaya and Rose have been flirting almost since day one, and you and Terezi are getting a little tired of watching the amount of covert glances and almost-touches that go between the two of them while they throw five- and six-syllable words back and forth in their conversations as if they're playing a particularly advanced form of LOQUACIOUSNESS TENNIS. 

It is clearly a form of ADVANCED COURTING RITUAL, but neither of the participants appears to have COTTONED ON to this yet. Therefore, it's clearly up to you and Terezi. 

Terezi says normally she would leave this kind of ROMANTIC SCHEMERY to Karkat, but she says he's been pretty down lately. You admit that you'd noticed that Vantas's tendency to shout rude epithets had been steadily decreasing over the months you've spent on this isolated rock, but for some stupid fucking reason you'd assumed that was a good sign. Apparently, for Karkat, NOT insulting everyone in sight is a sign of some kind of deep depressive funk or something. 

You'll take TZ's word for it. You haven't got the least clue what time of year it is (what with being on a fucking asteroid in the middle of space), but you're pretty damn sure that a Halloween party couldn't possibly be a bad idea. 

You'll be DJing, of course. You and Terezi spend the rest of the night jamming, drinking soda, and PLOTTING MANIACALLY. 

It's the best night you've had in a long time. You really dig this moirail shit. 

==> ERIDAN: go slowly insane

You still don't know what the human sciencorceror was talkin about. Why doesn't she think you're a hero? You've obviously a hero, stuck here and cruelly fuckin imprisoned. What could possibly have led her to think you weren't? 

Could it have been the killin? But you had to kill Fef. It was self-defense. And you didn't even kill Sol. And you didn't mean to kill Kar, that wasn't your fault, and besides, he didn't stay dead. 

Did you really kill Fef out of self-defense? 

Of course you did. Why else could you possibly have killed her? Obviously you weren't still angry at her about the fact she STONE COLD DUMPED YOU. Which was pretty harsh. But, no, fuck, you're a good guy. You wouldn't hold that against her. Or the fact she was chillin in a horn-pile with a fuckin mustard-blood. 

Okay, maybe you had a teeny tiny ulterior fuckin motive that wasn't so heroic. And maybe you were fuckin terrified when you went to blast the MATRIORB and were tryin to fulfill your destiny as the BRINGER OF GENOCIDE you'd always said you'd be. 

But you're still a hero. 

Aren't you? 


	3. In which there is a party involving some weird swollen orange fruits with faces, Dave and Terezi enact a plan, and Eridan manages to get his head out of his ass for once

==> MATRIORB: grow

You have what you need to grow, all these swirling touches of hope and minds and dreams, so you do grow, learning to dream and think and be by touching those around you. You feel the yearning dreams of your mother-ancestor and your seeing-ancestor, as they dance an intricate web around each other, neither seeing how the other one looks at her. You feel the twisting, questioning dreams of your 8-eyed ancestor, as she navigates the rights and wrongs of right and wrong, with some help from your mother-ancestor, whom she finds surprisingly patient (although she would never admit it). Then there are the hoppin' dreams of your jammincestor, sometimes questions, pride, worry, and wonder if the green girl will still be waiting for him when they meet again, and the double-dreams of your half-dead, psychic ancestor. Your fairy-rust ancestor flits in and out of your dreams and everyone else's too, dreaming of death and intricate, branching pathways. 

The dreams of your protector-ancestor are colored dark and painful, and they bleed darkly into your hero-villain-ancestor. You feel him lying, shivering, alone, in the dark, asking himself questions in a rats' maze from which there is no escape. You know that if he would only look up, he'd find it, but he can't, and you could never explain, because you don't really understand, you just feel and watch and wait as you grow. 

==> ROSE: prepare for YE OLDE HALLOWED EVEN PARTY

You are not certain why you are going to a Halloween party when it is impossible to ascertain whether it is anywhere near Halloween or not, but your dear ecto-sibling was rather insistent, and you are curious to see what sorts of costumes the trolls will come up with. You note with detached, psychological interest that what you are MOSTLY interested in is the costume of a certain EXCEEDINGLY FASHIONABLE young lady troll. 

You yourself are going as an octopus. You feel that this has a certain ironic appeal, and for some reason you enjoy the look of tentacles dangling from your midsection. You have decided judiciously not to psychoanalyze the possible reasons for this predilection. 

As you apply the finishing touches to your makeup (a blue-ringed octopus must necessarily have blue rings about its eyes), you think about the fact that you are still, surprisingly, interacting rather regularly with a certain troll in possession of a remarkably unwarranted HERO COMPLEX. 

You are still not entirely clear why you enjoy his company, but you have not revisited your discussion from the first night that you met. In fact, you spend most of your time playing chess with him. As he has never played chess before, he fails to win about ninety percent of the time. His tantrums over this are remarkably entertaining, and you also find that you are developing a fondness for his penchant for overly dramatic speeches followed by overly dramatic gambits. 

He seems somewhat more subdued of late, but all the same, you have determined to wish him a pleasant Halloween (though he will probably have no idea what you mean), so you stop by his room on your way to the main control room. 

ROSE: Good evening, Eridan.   
ERIDAN: hey rose wwhats glubbin  
ROSE: As a matter of fact, you might say that I am.   
ERIDAN: wwait wwhat the fuck  
ROSE: Tonight is Halloween. Or at least we are pretending it is Halloween for the purposes of celebrating.   
ERIDAN: wwhats hallowween  
ROSE: It is a human festival which is celebrated with costumes and sugar. I have dressed as an octopus for the occasion.   
ERIDAN: i bet you look glubbin spectacular  
ERIDAN: i bet youre goin to be the belle a the ball  
ERIDAN: i wwish i could see you  
ERIDAN: id probably be all flushed for you if you dont mind me sayin so  
ROSE: I do not mind, although I think you are rather free with your romantic affections.   
ERIDAN: its not like anyone evver likes me anywway  
ROSE: Hmmm. Well, I think I will bid you good night. 

==> ERIDAN: feel like a fuckin idiot

You ought to know by now that hittin on Rose never ends well. She seems to think you'd hit on anythin that moved, which is just plain ridiculous. There are several things that move that you would not hit on. 

Oh fuck, she's right, isn't she? 

You're pathetic. Seriously. 

Fuckin pathetic. No wonder Fef dumped you. 

==> KARKAT: feel like a fucking idiot

You cannot believe that you allowed yourself to be talked into this stupid human festival. Furthermore, you cannot believe that you let Kanaya talk you into dressing up in an actual soporsucking costume. You pointed out that the humans said that vampires, otherwise known as RAINBOW-DRINKERS, otherwise known as YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE CURRENTLY KNOWN TO BE IN EXISTENCE, are one of the most common costumes at this kind of function, but Kanaya firmly told you that that wouldn't count as a costume. 

So now here you are, dressed up as some kind of mythological creature that your moirail found on the human internet, complete with stupid horn glued to your forehead and ribbons tied to your head and waist. While your moirail is dressed as a rainbow-drinker. Which is really adding insult to injury. 

You didn't want to say anything, but you've been feeling fucking down on yourself lately, enough to make you seriously consider those stupid jokes about becoming your own KISMESIS. It's just that you're such a fucking terrible leader. Everyone still pretty much treats you as the leader, and you have no idea why, because your track record has been fucking subpar at best. Nepeta, Equius, Feferi, and Tavros--you let them all die. Not to mention your past self. You guess you saved the MATRIORB, but you are still not okay with this whole RAINBOW-DRINKER business. 

Kanaya likes it, and it's not so bad drinking her blood, but you still feel kind of bad, because you're sure you're hurting her, and it's worse with Eridan. You keep thinking you ought to just fucking stop drinking his, but you can't. You don't know why, and you haven't brought it up to Kanaya yet, but sometimes you can feel him in your head, and you find yourself dreaming about his blood sometimes and you wake up panting and sweating in your sopor-slime. 

And you know it hurts him when you drink his blood, because you can feel it too. You're hurting him, and even if he is a PRINCE OF WHINING MISERY, you still feel bad, because it's every noodle-crunching day, and it hurts a lot. 

KANAYA: Karkat You Have Been Moping In Your Room For Hours  
KANAYA: It Is Time For The Party  
KARKAT: OKAY OKAY  
KARKAT: I FEEL MORONIC  
KANAYA: You Look Wonderful  
KANAYA: You Will Be The Life Of The Party

When you and Kanaya arrive at the main control room, you barely recognize it, because there are SWOLLEN ORANGE FRUITS littered everywhere, which have had crude faces hacked into them, as well a number of other decorations, primarily created from paper and plastic, of things you don't really recognize, but which seem to be various kinds of animals which are presumably prevalent on the humans' world. 

KARKAT: I FEEL I MIGHT BE MISSING SOMETHING  
KARKAT: WHY ARE THERE LARGE NUMBERS OF FAKE ORANGE HEADS?   
KARKAT: IS THIS SOME KIND OF STRANGE HUMAN ATTEMPT AT INTIMIDATION?   
KARKAT: LIKE, HERE, THESE ARE THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!   
KARKAT: THAT I CREATED FROM NOT THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES AT ALL  
DAVE: theyre jack o lanterns dude  
DAVE: yeah its a weird human thing  
DAVE: just roll with it okay

You prepare for ROLLING WITH IT. It is important that you be sufficiently ROLL-READY, because as the LEADER of these bulgecookers, it is important that you preserve CORDIAL TROLL-HUMAN RELATIONS. 

DAVE: can i talk to you for a minute

You check to make sure that your moirail is not currently in need of you, but she appears to have made a beeline for ROSE LALONDE, who is wearing some sort of strange dress with curvy protrusions from the bottom and appears to be suffering from some kind of skin disease which has caused her to break out in blue welts. 

KARKAT: GO AHEAD

==> DAVE: outline SNEAKY PLAN

You sketch the FURTIVE CONTRIVANCE that you and TZ came up several weeks ago and have been planning since then. It appears that Karkat is entirely in concordance with your aims and mostly in agreement with your methods, although he vetoes your suggestions of ROMANTIC MUSIC, on the grounds that you do not want your subjects to know that SOMETHING IS UP. You're not sure you agree, but TZ seems to think that Karkat is the ROMANCE MASTER or something ridiculous like that, so you figure you might as well go along with your moirail. 

The three of you begin immediately. Terezi asks Kanaya for some MAKEUP HELP, and you take Rose off under the pretext of IMPORTANT SIBLING DISCUSSIONS, while Karkat oversees to make sure that nothing goes wrong. 

You spent at least three hours before this party finding a nice, closet-sized room and furnishing it with pillows and a door that only opens from the outside. You note with approval that Rose appears to have brought some DUTCH COURAGE with her and is possibly already slightly tipsy, which makes it significantly easier to ACCIDENTALLY shove her into the closet and shut the door behind her. 

DAVE: oops  
ROSE: Dave, what'd you do?   
DAVE: lost the key  
DAVE: dont worry sis ill find it in a jiffy

==> TEREZI: LURE Kanaya to her ROMANTIC DEMISE

Er, destination. 

You allow Kanaya to powder your nose and make scathing comments about the lack of color coordination in your costume. There's no chance you would have come as anything other than your FLARP character, of course, but there's no need to say that to Kanaya. 

Kanaya seems somewhat distracted, however, which could pose a problem. 

KANAYA: Terezi I Am Worried About Karkat

This is not where Kanaya's thoughts should be this evening. 

TEREZI: 1M SUR3 K4RKL3S 1S F1N3  
TEREZI: W4SNT ROS3 LOOK1NG SH4RP TH1S 3V3N1NG  
TEREZI: 1 SM3LL3D T3NT4CL3S  
KANAYA: It Is Just That He Has Been Extremely Morose Of Late

To your exasperation, not only does Kanaya keep talking about Karkat, but she is resisting your efforts to get her to the PREAPPROVED LOCATION. 

DISASTER is fast approaching! Your COOLKID levels are diminishing! What do you do? 

==> VRISKA SERKET: SAVE the DAY

Okay, this is slightly pathetic. You've been lurking on the fringes of this party for aaaaaaaages, since this is the first time Kanaya's let you out of your room. It took her waaaaaaaay too long to be satisfied you weren't planning some kind of TORTUOUS REVENGE, which in fairness, would be the sort of thing you would do. 

Would have done. You don't think you want to kill anyone else for the forseeable future. You've been having shitty dreams, and you keep having this horrible feeling, like you broke your favorite toy and can't put it back together. It's strange and hollow to think you'll never see Tavros again. Hey, you're still awesome, but you're willing to at least think about it before you do something like that again. 

Pretty special that Terezi was going to kill you if Karkat hadn't stopped her. You didn't know she had it in her. 

What Terezi is trying to do for Kanaya and Rose is painfully obvious and also PAINFULLY INCOMPETENT, so you decide, out of the goodness of your heart, to help her out. 

So while she's trying all her wiles to lure Kanaya over to that cute little room that she and Dave set up while they thought no one was watching, you march over, pick up Kanaya by the front of her shirt (which maaaaaaaaybe you can only do because you may have rolled your dice before showing up even though you aren't technically supposed to have them, but what's the point of being a thief if you can't do some stealing?) and carry her over to the room where, by the sounds of it, Rose is getting a little tired of being trapped by herself. 

KANAYA: Vriska What Is The Meaning Of This  
KANAYA: I Demand That You Put Me Down  
VRISKA: I c8n't do th8t, d8rling. <33333333  
VRISKA: You'll thank me l8er. 

You chuck Kanaya in and shut the door behind her, then dust your hands off and turn to grin at Terezi. 

==> TEREZI: Sputter

That was definitely not how this was supposed to go. You and Dave had a whole CLEVER ROUTINE worked out, and Vriska Serket has just gone and derailed it. But you must admit that it was just a little bit spectacular. And you're surprisingly glad that Karkles stopped you from killing Vriska. You think you might have felt--not guilty, of course, not a WINNING LEGISLACERATOR such as yourself--but a little bit lost without Vriska being a complete moron while attempting to compete with you. 

She's wearing her FLARP outfit, as well, all tight blue silk and rakish feathered hat. Oh, fuck it. It's some kind of HUMAN CELEBRATION, isn't it? What better way to celebrate than with SLOPPY M4K3OUTS? 

==> TEREZI: Initiate SLOPPY MAKEOUTS with SPIDER-8ITCH

You pin Vriska back against the wall and push her hands over her head, and she grins her pointed grin (you can tell from the way she's standing that she's grinning) and lets you, but she starts to whimper almost right away when you start tasting her neck. 

Which, by the way, tastes FANTASTIC. 

==> ROSE: regain breath

You have just had all the air crushed from your lungs by a flying troll, who was catapulted on top of you by some kind of UNSEEN FORCE. Unseen primarily because you weren't looking in that direction, but unseen nonetheless. 

ROSE: Oof.   
KANAYA: I Apologize For The Manner Of My Entry  
KANAYA: You Are Not Hurt Are You

You don't think you're hurt, just a little tenderized, and several of your tentacles appear to have been bent. Your head's spinning somewhat. Perhaps that DUTCH COURAGE you alchemized is beginning to take effect. 

You can barely see Kanaya in the dim light; she appears as nothing more than a pale smudge with a darker outline beneath her. You are no longer as certain that your choice of costume was a good one, and you find yourself somewhat glad that visibility is restricted. 

ROSE: I spupose the door is still lokced?   
KANAYA: I Am Afraid So  
ROSE: So we're stuck here togerhter then

You emphasize the word 'togerhter' just a bit and lean against Kanaya for forthr *frtheer *more emphasis. This is some STRONG COURAGE. You are feeling very COURGAOUES. Maybe even a little COURAGEOUS, in fact. 

KANAYA: Is There Something Wrong  
KANAYA: Your Speech Appears To Be Impaired  
ROSE: I may've had a li'l roucage? I mean courage. I mean vodka.   
KANAYA: You Have Imbibed A Human Intoxicant

Goodness, but Kanaya is quick on the uptake! You would not have expected anything less, of course, but you, yourself, seem a little slow on the uptake. Perhaps you've had a bit more VOKDA than you should have. You may be slightly INBRENIATED *IBENRATED *TIPSY. 

ROSE: Just a li'l.   
KANAYA: That Seems Somewhat Irresponsible And Also Uncharacteristic Of You  
KANAYA: Do You Mind If I Ask Why  
ROSE: Tol' you. Needed c'rage.   
KANAYA: You Have Never Before Manifested Signs Of Social Anxiety But That Is The Most Common Reason For The Use Of Such Things As A Social Lubricant

You nod carefully, because what Kanaya is saying makes a lot of sense. Then you realize that the floor is shifting slightly, and you wish you had not nodded, because you feel sick. Extremely sick. In fact, possibly about to see your lunch if you're not very careful. 

ROSE: Ulp. I don' feel good. 

Kanaya reaches out a hesitant arm and strokes your back, which feels very nice, up until the minute that your stomach turns inside out through your throat and you end up throwing up all over her nice skirt. 

==> DAVE: release prisoners

It's been an hour. They must have had time to start making out by now. If they haven't, you give up all hope for your sis. 

You open the door to find Rose with her face in Kanaya's half-naked lap. You are about to congratulate her when you realize that the reason Kanaya isn't wearing her skirt anymore is because it is in the puddle of vomit in the center of the floor, and Rose is sleeping the sleep of the dead or extremely drunk. 

DAVE: well that wasnt supposed to happen  
DAVE: i guess you can come out now  
DAVE: looks like our plan kind of misfired  
KANAYA: I Would Appreciate It If You Would Fetch Me A New Skirt  
KANAYA: And Please Send Karkat With It As I Do Not Mind Changing In Front Of Him  
KANAYA: I Do Not Know What Your Plan Was But No Matter What It Was I Must Agree With You That It Has Misfired  
KANAYA: This Does Not Seem Like The Proper Outcome Of Many Plans I Must Admit

You're forced to agree. There's just no way this plan should have turned out so shitty. After sending Karkat to get Kanaya a new skirt, you try to hunt down Terezi and ask her what the fuck happened to your brilliant scheme. Unfortunately, Terezi is somewhat occupied at the moment, and while you don't seriously object to an eyeful of SLOPPY ALIEN MAKEOUTS, you figure you should give her a little privacy. 

She gives you a thumbs' up behind Vriska's head as you back out of the room. 

==> KARKAT: FIX this SHIT

Once again, it's all up to you. You fetch your moirail a new skirt and wait awkwardly while she changes into it, then sigh and go to get a mop from somewhere so that you can clean up the mess on the floor. That's going to stink tomorrow. Kanaya offers to help, but you tell her she needs to put Rose to bed. This was your fucking moronic idea in the first place (great job, PAST YOU), or at least you signed off on it, so you're going to clean up after it. 

It takes you far longer than it should because you have to keep stopping to avoid being sick. Things on the insides of humans should stay on the insides of humans, in your opinion, because they STINK, like a piece of ROTTED SOPOR that's been left out in the Alternian sun for a few days and then chucked in someone's whiff-nooking pail. 

Eventually you finish up and head off to your recuperacoon. You're fucking exhausted, and you fall asleep before your head hits the slime. 

==> KARKAT: WAKE UP

You don't sleep for very long, though, because you wake up from a nightmare to find out that you're BREADMUNCHINGLY FAMISHED, like some kind of lame metaphor you can't be bothered to think of right now, because the only thing you can think of is the tang of sanguinary violet on your tongue. 

Your stomach feels like it's sticking to itself. You've been eating less and less, particularly when Kanaya doesn't have time to offer, hoping that the cravings will go away, but they just get worse. 

(Maybe you could just...have a taste.) 

But you always hurt him, and he hates you. God, you fucking hate your past self, all the times he's gone and taken Eridan's blood because you told yourself he deserved it and because you couldn't help yourself. (And, okay, you didn't always have a choice, because he's your cullslave and you wouldn't put it past Terezi or someone to decide if you don't use him for something that he's not properly claimed and then they'd kill him, and THERE WILL NOT BE ANYMORE KILLING. NOT ON YOUR UNLIFE.) You're a terrible leader, a terrible troll. 

(Maybe you could just have a sniff.) 

Even just a look. 

==> KARKAT: give in and go take a look. 

When you get to Eridan's room, at first you think he isn't even in there. Usually he's sitting in the center of the room on the nice, comfy chair you gave him, or occasionally, dramatically sprawled on his stomach in front of the door. Not this time. This time, he's curled in a tiny ball in one corner. He looks up when you open the door, and there are tears still flowing down his face. You just about turn around and walk back out, because there's no way Eridan wants you to see him breaking down like this. 

ERIDAN: kar can you just fuckin  
ERIDAN: kill me already  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?   
ERIDAN: seriously i dont knoww wwhy you kept me alivve but i dont deservve to be  
ERIDAN: just kill me

You can't. 

You can't listen to this. 

KARKAT: WHAT THE BILGESPEWING NOOKFUCKERS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?   
KARKAT: OR IS THIS WHERE I GO HA HA ERIDAN VERY FUCKING FUNNY?   
ERIDAN: im not joking  
ERIDAN: im a fuckin murderer  
ERIDAN: im not a hero  
ERIDAN: i killed fef and you and i tried to kill sol  
ERIDAN: i thought  
ERIDAN: i dont deservve to livve  
KARKAT: I CAN'T FUCKING KILL YOU, ERIDAN.   
ERIDAN: yeah you can  
ERIDAN: those fangs are glubbin sharp  
ERIDAN: just rip my throat out  
ERIDAN: please

Does he seriously think you could honestly do that? Couldn't you? Wouldn't you just love to sink your teeth into his throat and bite down as hard as you can? There's blood in your head and blood on your hands and blood searing across your eyes, and you're on the ground now, and your hands are across your mouth, because you're a fucking monster, and Eridan's not the one who should be dead, you are. 

==> ERIDAN: Stop being a BILGESPEWING IDIOT

This isn't the reaction you were expectin. You figured if Kar wasn't willin to kill you, he'd probably yell at you for a few minutes and then leave without doin anythin, and you'd have to figure out another way to get your worthless hide removed from this fuckin world. Maybe you coulda got Vris to help you out. 

But Kar just stared at you, his pupils going wide and dark, with red bloomin around them, and you have to admit, you were kind of fuckin terrified, even if you did ask him for this, and then he put his hands over his mouth and crumpled to the ground, where he's makin sad little noises. Not cryin exactly, just sort of whimperin. It's the worst thing you've heard since--well, since pretty much ever. 

ERIDAN: kar  
ERIDAN: kar wwhats wwrong

Forget your fuckin shit. This isn't the time for your glubbin self-loathin. Kar needs somebody, and you're not much of somebody, but there isn't anyone else in here, so you'll just have to do. You wish you had any clue at all how to comfort an upset vampire. 

Finally, you kind of scoot across the floor next to him and put your hand on his shoulder. 

KARKAT: DON'T TOUCH ME.   
ERIDAN: wwhy not  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I'M A MONSTER  
ERIDAN: wwhat the fuck  
KARKAT: I WANT

He stops talkin and just lies there, shakin, and you can't bring yourself to take your hand away. 

KARKAT: GODDAMN IT PAST ME IS STUPID AND FUTURE ME IS STUPID AND PRESENT ME IS THE STUPIDEST OF ALL  
ERIDAN: no youre not  
ERIDAN: youre the glubbin leader  
ERIDAN: you kept this wwhole fuckin asteroid together an savved most of the trolls  
KARKAT: I WANT TO RIP YOUR INKSQUIRTING THROAT OUT

That's not exactly what you were expectin. 

ERIDAN: yeah wwell i did kind a kill you  
KARKAT: THAT'S NOT WHY  
KARKAT: IT'S  
KARKAT: I MAKE A SHITTY RAINBOW-DRINKER  
KARKAT: KANAYA HAS TO MAKE ME EAT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL FUCKING SICK TO MY STOMACH LIKE I'VE BEEN EATING ROTTEN SOPOR PIES THAT SOMEONE LEFT OUT IN THE SUN FOR ABOUT A WEEK  
KARKAT: AND IT HURTS  
ERIDAN: yeah wwell thats not your fault   
ERIDAN: i told you i deservve it anywway  
KARKAT: I CAN FEEL IT HURTING YOU

He raises his head and looks at you. He's still shakin and twitchin like he's havin sopor withdrawal, and fuck. He's still worried about hurtin you. HE'S worried about hurtin YOU. When you fuckin blew his innards out all across the goddamn floor of the goddamn asteroid. Of course him drinkin your blood has been hurtin you. You fight him whenever he fuckin tries it, and he's stronger than you, but you've been fightin him anyway. 

And he kind of has to, doesn't he? Terezi would love to kill you, she's been past a couple of times to threaten you. You were hopin, in fact, that she'd be the one to show up today, because you could have goaded her into killin you easily. The only reason she hasn't murdered you yet is because it's pretty fuckin bad form to kill someone else's cullslave. 

God. Kar's been goin to bat for you this whole time and you've been fightin him and now he's not eatin and all fucked up because of you. You have to fix this. Somehow. 

ERIDAN: kar okay tell you wwhat  
ERIDAN: dont kill me okay  
ERIDAN: just try to drink the blood  
ERIDAN: i wwont fight if youre gentle

Kar looks up at you, and he's totally fuckin fightin with himself inside, you can tell, so you dip your head to him, the way you've never done before unless he's forced it down, not that he's done that since the first couple of times, back when he'd just turned rainbow-drinker and was hoppin mad. 

KARKAT: OKAY  
KARKAT: FINE  
KARKAT: GOD I AM SUCH A WELKMUCKING FUCKUP

He puts shakin hands on your head and your shoulder and bends forward, and now that you're not fightin him, you feel him takin his time, feel him runnin his tongue down along the fins and the ridges of your throat, and GOD that feels good. How the fuck does that feel so glubbin perfect? 

His fangs rest against your throat for a moment before sinking downward, and yeah, okay, that kind of hurts, but only for a minute, only a pair of soft pinpricks before his tongue starts lathing around the edges, and you're seein stars, sweetness in your veins, singin soft around the corners of your vision. You can feel him, feel your own blood, the two of you connected by that thin violet rivulet, and you get a flash of his surprise before it's drowned in a flood of hunger only just beginning to be satiated. 

You tremble, and he trembles, and you reach out and take his hand and squeeze it. 

ERIDAN: its okay  
ERIDAN: its really okay


	4. In which Eridan has a dream, a large number of ridiculous romantic issues are resolved by Kanaya Maryam, and the word 'lepidoptera' is used unironically

==> ROSE: return to consciousness

You are not pleased about this development. 

You are perfectly happy to lie here and bask in warmth, instead of awakening and having to handle the agonizing ball of pain that seems to have become your head. The warmth is nice. Oddly enough, the blankets seem to have mounded up behind you, or perhaps Dave procured a large hot-water bottle for you? That seems suspect, somehow. 

You are aware that your brain is not yet functioning at full capacity, and it takes you an inordinately long amount of time to realize that all you have to do to ascertain your situation is to open your eyes, which you do. 

You then remember why you had been trying to avoid doing exactly that, as light spears down through your now-open eyelids and exacerbates the throbbing of your head, which feels several sizes too large. 

KANAYA: You Appear To Be Making Noises Of Distress   
KANAYA: Have I Caused You Injury

What is Kanaya doing here? You roll over quickly and wish you hadn't, as your head swims sickeningly. Kanaya is curled up behind you. A wave of relief passes over you as you realize that she is fully dressed in crumpled blouse and skirt. It is not that you would object to shedding some clothes in company with Kanaya, but you would prefer to remember such events occurring, and preferably in the context of an actual romantic relationship. 

ROSE: No, thank you, Kanaya. I merely overindulged last night. 

You have a vague memory of curling up on Kanaya's lap, and--oh dear god. Did you actually throw up all over her? And why is she still here? 

ROSE: I am terribly sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused you.    
ROSE: If you do not mind me asking, what are you still doing here?    
KANAYA: It Was No Trouble   
KANAYA: I Slept Surprisingly Well Though I Would Prefer Not To Go Another Night Without Sopor   
KANAYA: You Seemed Averse To My Leaving Last Night And I Feared You Might Be Ill Again If I Left You   
ROSE: Thank you. You didn't have to stay, as I'm sure you're well aware, but I do appreciate it. 

You feel rather small. You managed to start all of this by having too much to drink last night, and you feel you ought to make it up to Kanaya somehow. On the other hand, she did stay with you all night, and, despite the fact that she is a troll, that does seem to be quite a strong signal. Perhaps it is time to HUMAN UP and take the initiative. After all, the worst she can do is reject you, and perhaps the risk of wallowing in TEENAGE ANGST-RIDDEN POETRY for days is worth the potential reward. 

ROSE: If it is not too presumptuous of me to ask, I wonder if there is any possibility that your reasons for keeping me company last night were not entirely altruistic. That is, I do not intend to say

You are not conveying this well at all. 

==> ROSE: attempt to convey meaning via gesture instead

You lean forward and press your lips softly against Kanaya's. They are still a little waxy and crusted with lipstick, but you don't mind. You start to draw back, but Kanaya puts a hand on the back of your head and draws you forward gently again, nibbling at your bottom lip. 

KANAYA: I Suppose That I Must Answer In The Affirmative   
KANAYA: If You Were Attempting To Ask Whether I Had Flushed Aspirations For You That Is   
KANAYA: Because I Must Admit That I Do

She smiles at you, and she is quite lovely, with her hair mussed and clothes crumpled from sleeping beside you. 

KANAYA: It Seems That Striders Plan Was Not Such A Failure After All

Perhaps even your intoxication was not such a terrible idea, though from the way your head is still feeling, you will probably not be repeating the performance for quite some time in the future.

You kiss Kanaya again. It is remarkable how effective a hangover cure her lips seem to be. 

==> KANAYA: prepare to gush to MOIRAIL about MATESPRIT

After a long and somewhat sloppy MAKEOUT SESSION, you leave Rose to sleep some more, in the hopes that sleep will make her headache fade. Besides, you simply must find Karkat and gush to him. This is exactly the kind of thing he likes to hear about, and you're sure it will cheer him up. 

You find Karkat curled on a couch in front of the television with his knees pulled up to his chest. You can see immediately that he is in need of some palerom, because he's awfully subdued. This will require some finesse. It isn't clear whether reporting on the success of your romantic aspirations will be beneficial or not. 

KANAYA: Karkat You Seem Pensive   
KANAYA: Is Something Wrong   
KARKAT: YOU'RE THE GRUBNAPPING EXPERT ON RAINBOW-DRINKERS, RIGHT? 

Well, you have certainly read a great deal about them. 

KANAYA: As Much As Any Of Us Can Be Said To Be An Expert On Something That Was Believed To Be Mythical Until Recently Yes   
KARKAT: WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ABOUT A RAINBOW-DRINKER WHO CRAVED BLOOD? 

You blink. That seems like part of the definition, actually. 

KARKAT: NO, WAIT. SCRATCH THAT. FUCK ME. THAT'S LIKE ASKING WHAT YOU'D SAY ABOUT A HOOFBEAST WHO HAD HOOVES.    
KARKAT: WHAT IF A RAINBOW-DRINKER HAD A SPECIFIC CRAVING?    
KANAYA: You Mean That A Specific Persons Blood Was More Palatable To Them   
KARKAT: YEAH, KIND OF. LIKE THEY DREAMT ABOUT HIS BLOOD AND WHEN THEY DRANK IT THEY GOT A LOT OF HIS THOUGHTS IN THEIR HEAD WHICH WAS REMARKABLY CONFUSING FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE KEEPING THEIR OWN NOOKLICKING THOUGHTS IN ORDER WITHOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S BARGING IN LIKE SOME KIND OF GRUBMANGLING IMPERIAL DRONE WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO PAIL   
KARKAT: FORGET HALF OF THAT.    
KARKAT: IT KIND OF GOT AWAY FROM ME.    
KANAYA: You Are Saying That You Find That You Are Connected To A Specific Person Telepathically And That You Also Crave Their Blood   
KARKAT: YEAH.    
KANAYA: There Is Certain Lore About This   
KANAYA: Sometimes It Is Related To Turning Another Troll Into Another Raibow-drinker

He looks pretty nervous at that, and you sit down beside him quickly and lean your head against his shoulder. 

KANAYA: Do Not Worry Karkat   
KANAYA: You Would Have To Do So Entirely Intentionally I Am Sure   
KANAYA: And You Would Probably Have To Kill Them To Do It

He doesn't look entirely reassured, but you keep talking. 

KANAYA: It May Also Relate More Simply To Trolls For Whom You Have Strong Feelings   
KANAYA: Usually This Sort Of Thing Would Be Flushed Or Caliginous Not Pale Or Ashen

You are getting curious, because there are only a few trolls you can think of that Karkat could be talking about (seeing as there aren't many people on this whole asteroid), and given that you are fairly certain Karkat has only been drinking from you and Eridan, and you think you would have noticed if Karkat was having cravings for you blood in particular... 

You aren't sure that you approve of this at all, but you will refrain from criticizing Karkat's choices with respect to the WHINGING TRAITOR, unless he seems to be in danger of injuring himself, but he actually seems a little more stable tonight than he has for some days now, so you're going to withhold judgment in favor of support like a good moirail. 

Karkat doesn't seem very talkative anymore, still kind of pensive, but more as if he's considering something now than as if he's really upset, so you give him a big MOIRAIL HUG AND CUDDLE and judge that it is now time to tell him about your success with Rose. 

You were correct! He is extraordinarily pleased about this turn of events! 

==> MATRIORB: Dream. 

In some ways, at first you were not sure you would ever want or wish to move from your chrysalis. Your ancestors were so full of pain and uncertainty, hollow and brittle inside, but now that is beginning to change, and you are beginning to have more of a sense of yourself, and of them. The connections between them grow stronger, an intricate web of patterned dreams that you follow and trace, which makes it ever-so-much easier to slip and slide from one to the next when you need to build up a new connection, a new part of yourself. 

Your mother-ancestor and her white-dark love giggle together and entwine with kisses, bandy at each other with words and sometimes save each other from the reaching hollow umbra of the Things Outside. Mother-ancestor also spends time with the bloody brave ancestor, watching the SIGNS of his SUFFERING to make sure that it diminishes, and as he and the new-thinking not-hero ancestor spend more time together, it does diminish. He is no longer hungry all the time, no longer afraid and angry with himself quite always, and you are pleased, because you love this ancestor, so small and spiky and soft inside where he can't let anyone see it. He is yelling and shouting again, and that's good; he yells when he catches 8-eyed ancestor and tongue-ancestor tasting each other (CAN'T YOU NOOKMUFFINS KEEP YOUR TONGUES OUT OF EACH OTHER'S THROATS IN PLACES WHERE THE REST OF US ARE TRYING TO DO THINGS LIKE READ OR RELAX OR NOT WATCH A PAIR OF MORONS HALF-PAILING EACH OTHER?). 

You don't really understand the words yet, but you know that that will come soon enough, with something inside of you that knows you are getting closer to the time when you will have to break through your hard shell and open yourself to the world outside, but this isn't that time yet, and you sleep and dream through the white and black checkered games of your rose-ancestor and Not-hero, and you follow Not-hero through his Not-heroing, watch as he watches Yelling Ancestor and wonders why he watches, as they talk together and laugh together and play together, as Yelling Ancestor yells and Not-hero makes his soft, sly remarks that are funny and ironically dry and yet no longer edged the way they used to be. 

You watch Coolkidbro Ancestor as he plays his coolkidgames with Tongue-ancestor and shuts away the part of his head that yearns after a not-ancestor who could have been an ancestor but is too far away now, the green girl, and from him you learn to wait and be happy even when there's something making you unhappy. 

Your dreams teach you a lot, but you aren't the only one. 

==> ERIDAN: Dream. 

You're not sure how long it's been since the day you asked Kar to kill you, but that's the day that made everyfin different somehow. You still kind of hate yourself, but you're not goin to ask someone to kill you, because you'd hurt Kar, and that's a new way of thinkin, really. You were always the one who needed somebody else to help you, and now you want to be the one helpin him. You're not very good at helpin, but you're tryin. 

The hate still hollows you out inside sometimes, but you don't show it to Kar. Maybe a little to Rose. You've been playin a lot of human games with Rose and a few trolls one too. She's one smart, sassy lady, and you think you might kind of have a palecrush on her, but you don't deserve to have anyone in your quadrants anymore, so it's not somethin you say or think about much. 

Tomorrow Kar's lettin you out. You weren't sure you wanted to come; in fact, you were pretty sure that nobody but Rose and maybe Kar would be really happy to see you out and about, but you're not goin to argue with Kar about it anymore. You've been arguin with him about it a lot, and it's just not goin to change his mind, so you might as well go along with it. The worst thing that happens is that Terezi bumps you off, after all. 

You're dreamin. You know you're dreamin because you're wanderin down the salted beach on Alternia at sundown, with the waves washin at your feet and wantin to head out to sea, but somewhere in the back of your mind, you know Alternia's long gone, and for the first time, you feel a little sad about that. Maybe not so much sad for all the nameless low/mid/highbloods you didn't even know, but at least bad for all the nameless low/mid/highbloods who never get to be born at all. 

It's kinda lonely out here. You throw a few pebbles into the ocean, and then you hear footsteps behind you. 

FEFERI: )(i, -Eridan! 

You turn around. She's standin half out of the water, lookin the same as ever, no bloody hole in her chest, just her favorite fuchsia goggles framing blank white eyes. 

ERIDAN: fef   
ERIDAN: wwhat are you doin here   
FEFERI: I'm D-EAD, silly! This is a DR-EAM BUBBL-E! 

Okay you've heard Rose talk about the dream-bubbles, but you've never ended up in one before. And that means this probably is actually the real Fef, and you're really not sure why she isn't shovin her trident right through your boney ass this very minute. 

ERIDAN: oh   
ERIDAN: im sorry fef   
FEFERI: I was pretty angry for awhile! But I FINally decided not to be.    
ERIDAN: wwhat you did   
FEFERI: All of us are pretty fucked up, -Eridan.    
FEFERI: I've been wandering around in dream-bubbles for a while and that's my big -EPIFINY.    
FEFERI: It is probably not much as epiphanies go.    
ERIDAN: yeah wwell i dunno   
ERIDAN: my biggest epiphany lately has been that im a fuckin douchebag and somebody should probably a killed me before i made it this far   
FEFERI: See? You are fucked up TOO! 38)    
ERIDAN: im sorry i fuckin killed you fef

You're not really sure what else to say, although sayin sorry probably doesn't really begin to cover it. 

FEFERI: W--ELL, I was pretty mad about it to befin with! But I am feeling better about it now. Being dead isn't so bad. Thank you for the apology though! It means quite a bit to me.    
ERIDAN: you sure you dont wwant to stab me at all   
ERIDAN: maybe just a little bit   
FEFERI: )(mmm, no, I don't think so.    
FEFERI: Thanks for the offer though! 

She comes across the sand and takes your hand and smiles at you, and you don't even know what to do, so you just stand there and stare at her. She tugs at your hand and you find yourself walkin down the beach with her, and that's all. You just walk together, and Fef doesn't say much, though she points out pretty pebbles and other little things, and you just let her talk and lead you through the dream-bubble. It stops bein familiar after a while, but you don't comment, and neither does Fef. You just keep walkin and talkin about nothin much, until she turns to you. 

FEFERI: I think you're going to wake up soon! Come back and visit me sometime, will you!    
ERIDAN: sure okay

You wake in your recuperacoon, feeling restless and light at the same time. Takes you a minute to get oriented. You half expect to find yourself covered in sand, but of course you don't. Instead, you remember that Kar's plannin to let you out today. It will be nice to see Rose face-to-face for the first time anyway. 

You'd better dress yourself properly. You can't let yourself make a shoddy impression on the humans, and if Terezi happens to bump you off, you aren't goin to be an ugly corpse. Besides, you kind of want Kar to think you're lookin nice. 

Thinkin that makes you pause for a minute as you smooth your clothes out. Why would you care what Kar thinks about how you look? 

Oh. 

Oh shit. 

You've got it fuckin bad. How did you miss it? You're always starin at him and wantin to spend time with him. He's the best thing that happens to you pretty much any day. You've been daydreamin about him without even thinkin about it, wonderin when he'd be showin up, wonderin what he's doin, replayin your conversations with him in your head. You haven't had a flushcrush this bad in years and that's sayin somethin. How the fuck did you miss this, and what are you goin to do? You can't tell Kar, you can't put this on him, you don't fuckin DESERVE to be flushpinin for ANYONE, much less for Kar. 

There's a noise behind you and you jump and turn around. 

KARKAT: HEY, ROSE IS WAITING TO SEE YOU AND ALL.   
KARKAT: I TOLD HER YOU'D BE OUT IN A MINUTE.   
KARKAT: SO IF YOU'RE FINISHED PREENING LIKE A FUCKING FEATHERBEAST

Your heart clenches and unclenches and you just stare at him. 

KARKAT: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY FACE?    
KARKAT: I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE SAME FACE I WEAR EVERY DAY BUT MAYBE I WAS WRONG   
KARKAT: DID I PUT ON SOMEONE ELSE'S FACE BY MISTAKE THIS MORNING? USUALLY I'M KIND OF CAREFUL BUT MAYBE I WAS HASTY AND JUST PICKED UP TEREZI'S INSTEAD OF MINE   
ERIDAN: no its not that you look lovvely   
ERIDAN: fine you look fine   
ERIDAN: its your normal face i promise

Oh fuck. You're a fuckin mess already, and you're already sayin really stupid shit. What are you goin to do? You are just goin to have to try to act normal. 

==> ERIDAN: put on a fuckin OSCAR-WORTHY PERFORMANCE

Error! Error! You are not that good an actor. You're like the opposite of TROLL LEONARDO DICAPRIO. Instead of actin brilliantly and failin to get recognition for it, you act horribly and still don't get recognition for it, unsurprisingly, because there's no one givin out prizes for pretendin not to be flushed for someone that you're fins-over-flukes for. 

The day turns out to be fuckin awkward except for the meetin with Rose. Rose surprises you by givin you a big smile and a big hug, and Kanaya, who's standin behind her, only twitches a little. 

ERIDAN: hey kan   
ERIDAN: sorry about tryin to    
ERIDAN: you knoww   
KANAYA: Apology Provisionally Accepted But Be Aware That I Am Watching You Closely

The rest of the day is pretty painfully awkward, though. You can't look at Kar, and Terezi keeps givin you looks while she's lickin her lips. You're still pretty sure she'd like to brutally murder you, which is pretty fair, all things considered. But at least you think you've managed to keep Kar from figurin out your SECRET SHAME. 

==> KANAYA: confront ERIDAN about treatment of your MOIRAIL

You've watched Eridan ignore Karkat all day, and it is really starting to rile you up. He won't even look at him, and you can tell that Karkat is getting more and more distressed. He's been talking your ear off about today for the past few weeks. Of course, being Karkat, he has mostly been complaining about it, and complaining about himself and Eridan, but you can read between the lines. He's so flushed for Eridan that you're surprised he hasn't started actually reporting dreams where the two of them have SLOPPY MAKEOUTS. 

You are not sure you approve, but you have to admit from what Rose has told you that Eridan seems to be trying to be slightly less of a complete douchebag, and as long as he doesn't try to kill anyone again and doesn't break Karkat's heart, you thought you would give him the benefit of the doubt. 

Of course, that was before today, when he won't even make eye contact with Karkat, which is really a little much. By mid-afternoon, when Karkat is barely talking anymore, you have had enough. When Eridan gets up to go for a bathroom break, after an IMPOSSIBLY AWKWARD game of five-person chess, you tell the others that you have to go powder your nose and follow him. 

You catch Eridan in the corridor outside, grab him by his shirtfront and slam him into the wall, because you need to have his full attention. 

KANAYA: I Would Like You To Pay Very Careful Attention Eridan   
ERIDAN: im sorry kan   
ERIDAN: you can kill me if you wwant   
ERIDAN: just dont upset kar okay

What in the name of the SIGNLESS SUFFERER is wrong with this troll? 

KANAYA: Oh Now You Are Worrying About Upsetting Karkat   
KANAYA: May I Ask Then Why You Have Been Ignoring Him All Day   
ERIDAN: im not ignorin him   
KANAYA: You Have Barely Spoken A Word To Him And You Will Not Look At Him   
KANAYA: Perhaps Your Definition Of Ignoring Is Different From Mine But Whatever You Are Doing It Is Not Acceptable   
ERIDAN: im just tryin not to hurt him   
ERIDAN: i dont deservve him

Is Eridan saying what you think he is saying? If so, he is merely being a complete FUCKING IDIOT, as opposed to a WHINING DOUCHEBAG, but that is nearly as bad. 

KANAYA: That Is Something That Both Of Us Agree On   
KANAYA: However Are You Saying That You Have Flushed Aspirations For My Moirail   
ERIDAN: no aspirations   
ERIDAN: fuck im sorry i didnt mean for this to happen   
ERIDAN: hes just amazin   
ERIDAN: i think i lovve him but i cant do that to him

You sigh. It is clearly up to you to be the ROMANTIC GURU for once. 

KANAYA: You Have Been Ignoring Him All Day And He Is Hurt By Your Actions   
KANAYA: Clearly Your Attempts At Disguising Your Feelings Are Worse Than Useless   
KANAYA: You Will Have To Tell Him   
ERIDAN: i cant i dont wwant to make him feel awwkwward   
KANAYA: If You Do Not Tell Him I Will Bisect You With A Chainsaw   
KANAYA: That Would Make Him Feel More Awkward I Imagine

==> ERIDAN: bow to necessity

Kan seems pretty serious about this, and she is Kar's moirail, so if she says you're hurtin him more by pretendin not to be flushed for him, you guess you better tell him. You have no idea how to do this, and you figure it's goin to end with Kar hatin you, but you pretty much deserve that anyway. 

ERIDAN: okay ill tell him   
ERIDAN: can you let me dowwn noww

She lets go of you and sets you on your feet, then regards you sternly with one eyebrow raised. You have to say, she is a pretty great moirail for Kar. Under her watchful eye, you head back into the room. 

ERIDAN: hey kar can i talk to you for a sec   
ERIDAN: i got somethin to say   
KARKAT: I GUESS IF YOU WANT

Jeez, Kan was right. He didn't object or use any profanity at all. It was definitely a grave mistake to try and pretend that you weren't interested, because you seem to have fucked up completely again. 

ERIDAN: okay so i guess you think ivve been ignorin you or somethin   
KARKAT: NO, I JUST THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING AT ME ALL DAY BECAUSE MY BLINDINGLY WHITE SKIN HURT YOUR EYES.    
ERIDAN: i wwasnt ignorin you im sorry i wwas just   
ERIDAN: tryin not to let you knoww about my fuckin stupid feels   
KARKAT: WHAT?    
ERIDAN: i just realized today that your really fuckin cool kar   
ERIDAN: i mean i already kneww that but i realized today howw that made me think a you   
ERIDAN: and i guess im kind a flushed for you   
ERIDAN: i dont mean you should think a me that wway or anyfin   
ERIDAN: i didnt wwant you to knoww but im shitty at hidin shit i guess   
ERIDAN: im sorry

==> KARKAT: respond to HEARTFELT CONFESSION

What the shit? Is Eridan making fun of you? No, of course he's not. He's kind of standing against the wall with his eyes down and talking at his feet. He really means it. Well, fuck you. You're a bulgeswallowing idiot, but what's new? There are a whole host of new anxieties fluttering around in your thinkpan but you've watched enough rom-coms to know that if you listen to them, you're just going to be dragging this out, and this has been dragged out plenty already. 

You don't know when you started finding yourself flushed for Eridan, whether it was before or after he stopped being a raging douchebag (probably after), but sometime in the midst of laughing with him and listening to his jokes and clever commentary on romcoms, sometime in the middle of him letting you drink his blood, you found out that you actually liked him for himself, not just for his blood. Somewhere inside that outer shell of total douche, there's a troll you actually like, surprising as that might seem to everyone else, and you've been wanting this for days, but seriously, who'd want you for a matesprit? 

Apparently Eridan, that's who. 

You stick your fists in his shirtfront, and he looks up. 

ERIDAN: hey thats my shirt your crumplin kar

He looks like he's expecting you to hit him, but you don't. Instead, you yank his head down and plant a giant, sloppy kiss on his lips. 

KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY RUSTED THINKPAN, BUT APPARENTLY I'M FLUSHED FOR YOU TOO.    
KARKAT: WE'RE BOTH BULGEBLOWING FUCKWITS, BUT THAT'S OKAY. 

Everyone in the room starts clapping, and you pull Eridan's head back down again and kiss him properly this time, with lots of teeth and tongue, and this time, his hands land on your back and pull you hard against him, and he sighs into your mouth. 

You are just beginning to realize you'd probably better get a room, because oops, your hands are slipping pretty far down Eridan's back, when Kanaya shrieks, and you break apart from Eridan to find out what's wrong with your moirail. 

KARKAT: KANAYA, ARE YOU OKAY?    
KANAYA: The Matriorb Is Hatching   
KARKAT: WHAT????    
ERIDAN: wwhat   
VRISKA: Wh88888888t?    
TEREZI: WH4T?    
DAVE: what???    
ROSE: She said the matriorb is HATCHING! 

==> MATRIORB: HATCH. 

You didn't know what you were waiting for until it happened, but now you do. That last little connection that you needed; you feel it spark through you as your two ancestors come together in an explosion of bright red feelings. You're ready to come out. 

You make a little shivery effort and a hum, tugging on your mother-ancestor's mind to alert her, and you feel the wave of sudden shock and excitement that rolls through all your ancestors. Your chrysalis splits along the back, and you feel warm air on your own skin for the first time. 

For the first time, you can hear/feel the vibrations in the air when your ancestors are speaking; you can put out a feeler and taste the real air of your new home. 

You get the feeling that you aren't exactly normal, and you aren't sure why. Maybe it's because two of your ancestors are human, which hasn't ever happened before, or maybe it's because one of your ancestors is the red-blood not-killing descendent of the Signless. Maybe it's just the air on the asteroid. But whatever it is, you're pretty sure you're something completely new. You don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. It's just a true thing. And you have a lot still to learn before you can really become a Mother, which you know, somewhere in the back of your head, is what you are going to be sometime, but that's a long way from now. There's no point in worrying about it yet. Right now, you're just hatching, you're just beginning. 

You feel soft hands helping you out of your shell. 

KANAYA: Look At Her Isnt She Beautiful   
DAVE: oh my gog shit thats a grub?    
KANAYA: I Think Shes Different   
ERIDAN: shes got wwings

What are wings, you wonder? Maybe they are the soft, wet things on your back. You think you want to dry them, but you aren't sure how. 

ROSE: Fascinating. She looks very similar to a lepidoptera. 

==> KARKAT: start BAWLING like a GRUBLING

You don't know what the flipping fuck is wrong with you, but, shit, you're crying, full of snot and tears and wonder, as you stare at the NEWLY-HATCHED MOTHER GRUB(?). You're pretty embarrassed that you're being such a lame little wriggler-face, but as soon as you start, Eridan hugs you, and then Kanaya hugs you, and then--

DAVE: well shit its group hugs time

\--then everyone hugs you, and all of you move forward in a pack toward the bedraggled hatchling, who is starting to fan her moisture-laden wings, and you all reach out to help her move them so that they can dry. And you're all tight together in a pack, and it's like--you don't know what it's like. 

But for the very first time, you feel like a leader. 


End file.
